Inability

Do you ever have those instances where you're so overwhelmed by everything that you don't know where to begin?

And so you don't, even though there's stuff that needs to be done?

And the guilt of not doing it eats you up and takes over your life, but you're still so overwhelmed that you can't seem to do anything about it?

And there's fear and anxiety and panic accompanied by headaches and lack of sleep and moods that go from bad to worse?

And all you really want to do is the stuff that doesn't matter at the current moment but you can't stop yourself from doing those things?

Yeah. About that...

Second Chances

I've never really thought of myself as a big believer in second chances. I guess I never really thought about it. I mean, second chances...they're okay. My personal philosophy is that you shouldn't screw up the first time and NEED a second chance, but whatever.

But I guess today was just a day for second chances.

I'll spare you the story about giving the girls I babysit a second chance today at the library. It's not a good story.

Tonight I went to Starbucks. If you know me, you know this is not out of the ordinary for me. I practically live at this particular Starbucks. It's sort of ridiculous, actually. A few months ago, we took to just sitting in this field right next to the plaza where the Starbucks is for hours at a time freaking people out and drinking coffee. Different people have come and gone, but at one time, there were eight of us who would hang out there.

And then something weird happened, and one of the eight broke off. So it was seven. And it was fun, but not like it was in the beginning. You know how when a TV series starts, and then randomly a few seasons later, a different actor is playing one of the characters? It's sort of like that.

But somehow tonight, it ended up being the eight of us again. And it was like nothing ever changed. And half-way through the night, when I realized that that was how life was supposed to be, I realized that it was probably the last time it would ever be like that. Sitting there, talking and laughing and enjoying each other's company, and just being, as that group.

When I first thought that we'd never be like that again, I wasn't ready to say goodbye to those nights. I wanted more. That's what I thought my best memories of summer would be comprised of. I wasn't ready to let go.

Tonight was my second chance to say goodbye to those evenings. I love each and every one of those other seven people more than is imaginable. I love them, I love being with them, I love the way I feel when I'm around them. And while I'm sad that it really is all over, that particular era of our friendship, I'm glad I got the closure. I'm glad it was like that one last time.