RIP, JD

This morning I woke up and for some reason, I thought about "The Catcher in the Rye." I read it earlier this year in English and I enjoyed it. I thought Holden Caulfield was absolutely fascinating, and I loved the general theme like 'hey, I'm a little crazy, but so are you - you're just in denial.'

Later on, I was sitting in choir. Something someone did (I don't remember what now...) made me really happy. Being really happy made me think of the section of the book "Ophelia Joined the Group Maidens Who Don't Float: Classic Lit Signs onto Facebook" that is designated to Holden Caulfield. His 'status update' after becoming friends with Jane Gallagher is 'Holden Caulfield is feeling so damn happy all of the sudden.'

After I got home from school, I was listening to Ingrid Michaelson's 'The Hat,' which for some reason makes me think of Holden's red hunting hat in 'The Catcher in the Rye.'

I didn't really think much of these things. Until I logged onto Twitter, which was abuzz with 'JD Salinger is dead' tweets from some literary savvy friends and authors who I shamelessly follow. I checked AOL News to make sure it was true.

It is.

JD Salinger, author of 'The Catcher in the Rye,' the genius behind the rebellious and intriguing Holden Caulfield, passed away from natural causes at the age of 91 on Wednesday, January 27, 2010.

It was then that I remembered that 'The Catcher in the Rye' came to me three times today. At first I was a little panicked. I wondered (aloud, on Twitter) if my thinking about it inadvertantly killed JD Salinger. The I discovered he died Wednesday - yesterday, not today. Then I figured that my thinking about 'The Catcher in the Rye' was simply Salinger's way of saying goodbye. My assumption was solidified when one literary obsessed friend said she, too, had thought of 'The Catcher in the Rye' today.

Call me crazy (I'd be okay with that), but I think Salinger, no matter how reclusive he was, knew how many people he touched with his book. I think maybe his spirit came to us all as a final 'thank you' for being so receptive to his unconventional work.

I'm crazy. Really I am.

JD Salinger, we literary nerds will never forget you. Rest in peace.

WHY Do I Do This?

Why am I awake right now? I'm really tired. Like...REALLY tired. Like...eyes-feel-like-they're-melting-out-of-my-head-tired.

Example - I went to go do a new blog post and instead of hitting the 'new post' button, clicked 'sign out.' COOL. Let me just sign in again. Then I had to type out the three different forms of there/their/they're to figure out which one was right in context above.

I really don't know if I'm making sense anymore...I HOPE this blog is in English.

Anyway, yeah. It's been kind of an exhausting week. I basically lived in the PL for newspaper (late nights...) and I GENUINELY DETEST waking up at 6 AM. Even without Spanish first period (!!!), it's rather brutal.

This is really random and inconsequential, but I suddenly honestly cannot believe it was 2 hours ago that I was driving home with my friends. And I honestly cannot believe that it literally just took me like three minutes to do that math right. We went to see 'Beauty and the Beast' and then to Friendly's after. It was a pretty amusing evening. We dressed classy. I bought straight leg jeans (why I do not know, but I think I like them)?

My head hurts. I don't know why I'm still writing this because I really don't have anything important to say at all. I don't really have a point to make. I guess my point is I'm tired.

Goodnight.

Be Ok

So...I don't remember if I posted in my last post that I bought three Ingrid Michaelson CDs last night. I think my favorite of them so far is 'Be Ok,' and I'm especially fond of the song 'Be Ok,' which is on it.

I'm completely exhausted right now. I got home from newspaper about an hour and a half ago and I can honestly say I wasn't sure if I would make it out of there alive tonight. This might sound really weird, but have you ever had the feeling that your eyes are going to melt out of your face? That's how I feel right now.

Features (my section) hit rock bottom way too early. Caroline and I lost it way too early on in the evening, and by the end, I was told that I needed to 'go home and sleep for like, years' and to 'come back next week.' I assume falling out of my chair, screaming 'Where's the goddamn profile?!', laughing about Cakesters and insisting that 'I deleted the squigglies' probably contributed to that diagnosis.

Anyway. I dropped Spanish IV today. I'm happy about it. Less stress in my life. Thank God. My teacher said that she 'hopes second semester goes a little better for me,' and I thought that was sweet.

And you know what? I think maybe it will. I have hope for this new semester. I think maybe, just maybe... it'll be ok.

"I just want to know today, know today, know today, I just want to know something today. I just want to know today, know today, know today, know that maybe I will be ok."
Thanks Ingrid. :)

Why I Am Dysfunctional Today

Hey. I'm back from North Carolina. Yeah. It's over now.

SO. I went to my very first ever Urban Outfitters while I was there. It was a fascinating experience. It was basically all gays and foreigners in there and I thought I was stuck in the dressing room. If you follow me on Twitter, you probably know that I was just pulling the door when I should have, in fact, been pushing it.

I'm not really an idiot. I just happen to have my moments.

Anyway, the only purchase I made there was this journal. It's called 'Why I Am Dysfunctional Today.' It is wonderful. You're supposed to chronicle why you're crazy every day, and it kind of just condones being not completely sane all the time. Which I'm coming to find is a good thing. I realized that if I pretend to be sane all the time, I wind up just being...

scary.

(Another story for another day).

Anyway, the journal has all these facts and statistics about dysfunction and sanity and every page has a quote on it from someone kind of mad, like Salvador Dali or Woody Allen or Sylvia Plath. It's kind of inspiring, as terrifying as that sounds. It proves that we don't have to be normal all the time. It's not healthy. It's not healthy to be depressed or anything, either, but to have an outlet where you can talk about why you're going slightly insane one day is rather helpful.

But yeah. I kind of just wanted to talk about that. Maybe from time to time I'll write a Why I Am Dysfunctional Today entry in lieu of a blog post here. Maybe it'll be good for me.

WELL

So I'm clearly not going to do well with the whole 'college' thing. I'm currently in North Carolina visiting my grandparents, and I don't know that I've ever been this homesick. It's ridiculous. I feel clingly, and ill, and silly, and sad, and lonely, and scared. And it's pissing me off.

I'm not even GONE long. There is no reason for me to be feeling physically ill over how much I miss my dad, my dog, and my friends. Literally everything I do reminds me of somebody and I've lost track of how many times my eyes filled with tears today. I honestly don't know why I'm in such bad shape. This shouldn't even be hard. And yet...

Yeah. I don't really have a point. I just wanted to document that.

Books

Okay. So I have this problem. I don't really know what to classify it as, because it consists of several different parts, but it is a problem nonetheless.

I have officially read 4 books in 2 weeks. And a play, but that was in English so it doesn't really count. I really don't know how I did that.
1. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz - L. Frank Baum...see previous post "The Wizard and I" as to how that affected me.
2. Paper Towns - John Green...this book took a spot in my top ten all time favorites. I read the first 2/3 of it within a day, and was really tempted to finish the last 1/3 the same night, but I was unfortunately falling asleep. I loved it all. It was amazing. I honestly don't even know what to say about it other than that. The last section is positively one of the most wonderful things I've ever read.
3. Please Stop Laughing at Me - Jodee Blanco...I had to read this for my English book chat. The second blog post isn't even due yet, but I've already finished the book. It was okay I guess. It was a quick read. I didn't hate reading it. I might have even liked reading it. Or maybe I was just anxious to get through it to read other things. It didn't change my life or anything, but it was alright.
4. An Abundance of Katherines - John Green...yeah, 'Paper Towns' kind of got me on a John Green kick. Katherines was nowhere near as good as 'Paper Towns,' but I still enjoyed it. It is without a doubt the nerdiest book I've ever read. But I'm a huge nerd, so I think it all works out in the end.

Here's the other part of the problem...I don't know what to read next. For Christmas, I got 'The Bell Jar,' which I'm looking forward to reading, but I'm too terrified to read it right now. I don't think junior year of high school is prime Sylvia Plath time, Jeanette Walls's 'Half-Broke Horses,' which is not a memoir, but it's about her grandma's life. (PS, if you haven't read 'The Glass Castle,' DO IT), and this interesting book of essays called 'This I Believe,' which is apparently in conjunction with National Public Radio (NPR). Since then, I've also purchased 'Freedom Writers Diary,' because book sales are incredibly dangerous for me ($7.50!!!) and I love that movie, pluse everyone says the book is really good and 'Pride and Prejudice,' because I've never read Jane Austen (shameful) and it was the one book on my Christmas list (Classic Christmas...I'm so funny) that I didn't get. Also I need to steal 'Looking for Alaska' from Wuh because I now feel compelled to conquer all of John Green's books.

I'm also an AP English student. Which means 'A Streetcar Named Desire' and 'Their Eyes Were Watching God' are coming up soon.

So yeah. Do you see the problem?

Songs Revisited

Okay...I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to get all crazy-depressing on you last night. I apologize. It was bothersome. For all involved.

I just realized two things...
1. I really should be sleeping right now.
2. This weekend has been full of old songs that I decided to revisit. It's been kind of wonderful.

These are songs that I was once in love with and then let fall by the wayside. It's not that I stopped liking them, it's just that I stopped being obsessed with them.

For instance, my mom and I listened to 'Seasons of Love' from 'Rent' today while driving around. 'Seasons of Love' was once my ringtone. THAT'S how obsessed I was. But I realized today that it had been a really long time since I last listened to it. But I still love it.

Same with 'Defying Gravity' from 'Wicked.' I unabashedly (is that a word?) classify it as my all-time favorite song. But I hadn't listened to the original in a while until today, when I sat in the Giant Eagle parking lot with my mom blasting it and just being generally epic. (Wow, that was paradoxical...).

All weekend, old Idina Menzel songs have been competing for my attention and devotion. I've lost count of how many times I've listened to 'Where Do I Begin' and 'Perfume and Promises' this weekend. Her 'I Stand' album is coming up on it's second birthday, and I was remembering how freaking awesome her concert was.

I was more recently obsessed with Ingrid Michaelson's 'Far Away' which is quite possibly the most adorable song EVER. I let it fall away for about a month and today I can't stop listening to it. I literally almost translated the first bit of it and turned it in for a Spanish assignment that I had to do.
"I will live my life as a lobsterman's life on an island in the blue bay. He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea, and close to my heart he'll always stay. I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella, and Nellie, and Faye. While I'm combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare on our island in the blue bay."
(PS - the assignment was to write a paragraph about my life in 10 years. Hello. Everytime I consider that IN MY NATIVE LANGUAGE - aka English - I start to panic. Why do I want to talk about it in Spanish?)
(Hint? I DON'T.)

Sara Bareilles's 'August Moon' is fantastic. I knew this several months ago and then forgot about it. Then I listened to it again. It is still wonderful. Also if you haven't checked out her cover of 'Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay,' YOU SHOULD. (Yeah I became re-fascinated by it this weekend too). (I think I have a problem).

Anna Nalick's 'Drink Me' has been coming back to haunt me all weekend as well. It was the inspiration for my Twitter nickname as well, so possibly that's been rehaunting (definitely not a word...yet) me for over a week.

Anyway, not that this blog post really had much of a point. It's just that I love rediscovering things. But I'm going to bed now.

Reality Check

I'm in a mood right now that I really dislike. I'm weird and giggly for no apparent reason, but also kind of randomly on the verge of tears. It's not normal. But I've just come to the realization that, well...I am. Normal, that is.

Not even so much normal as just average. Normal I can deal with. Average is rather upsetting.

What I'm saying is that there is nothing special or striking about me. I'm completely run-of-the-mill. My appearance is completely normal. I'm average height (no matter how many times people tell me I'm short), I'm a little chubby, but not anything where people would be like 'Wow, she's super fat', I keep myself up well enough. I wear cute clothes (I think?) and I don't do anything outrageous with my makeup.

I have cool friends who do cool things and know cool people. I'm feeling like I kind of don't deserve them. I have friends who are ridiculously intelligent. I have friends who are ridiculously talented. I suddenly really don't know why they like me.

There is nothing awesome about me. I'm a completely average high school student with very little presence. I'm a completely average high school journalist. I started off kind of awesome, and now I'm just average. When I was little, I was musically inclined and now I'm barely even average, and I've basically given up. I used to be a really smart elementary school kid, and was known in my 6th grade science class as 'the smart girl'. Now I'm average-ish.

This is not a good thing. Now should really be a time when I should be standing out. But evidently, I'm not.

I've always just wanted to be memorable. I'm thinking I'm failing at that.

Journey to the Past (or Happy Epiphany Day!)

Ladies and Gentlemen,
It's time for a history lesson. You FINALLY get to learn what my fascination is with the word 'epiphany.'

We go to Columbus twice each year - once in May, and once in October. And when I say 'we,' I mean my three BFFLTs (best friends for long time), Rachel's parents, their dog, and one big-ass RV. Anyway, we were coming home from our May trip two years ago and we were jamming to tunes on Manda's iPod. It is ridiculously difficult to find a song that all four of us can agree on, and so we were listening to Vanessa Carlton's 'White Houses.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSBqmu4B8Dg

Enjoy.
So...lyrics?
"My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake"

Yes, that is what you think it's about. Manda passed me a note on a napkin.
"OH. I get it. This is about her losing her virginity, isn't it?"
"Wow. What an epiphany. Yes, Manda. Yes it is." I wrote back.
"I was convinced epiphany was a synonym for orgasm for a really long time and I was always really confused when I heard you or Wuh use it." was her response.

At that point, I just busted up laughing and shared the with the other two.
And so now, for us at least, and everybody we've told this story to, epiphany really IS a synonym for orgasm.

Yeeeeah. And today is Epiphany Day, which I think is something a religious that I'm still a little hazy on. But it is Epiphany Day nonetheless, and we celebrate it. Just because it's Epiphany Day.

Think what you will. But don't judge. :)

2:30 AM, I Changed My Mind

2:30 AM...I am deeply sorry.
2:30 AM...you are not creepy.
2:30 AM...I MISS YOU.

Yeah. I basically retract my entire vaguely-remembered '2:30 AM, You Didn't Do Right by Me' post. The reality is that 6 AM SUCKS. As does school, for the most part. Yesterday, my 're-entry' day, I just kept telling myself that everything was very temporary. Which is so not true. I'm stuck for quite a while yet. Disappointing.

But really. I'm confused. How did I ever function when I was not on Christmas Break? What was that like? I'm having a hard time remembering...

Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is, 2:30 AM, do you think you could forgive me? And maybe some day we could go back to being close? 6 AM just doesn't stack up. But I'll give you some space. We'll take baby steps back into our relationship. Maybe just weekends at first. Then do you think maybe we could give spring break a try? I hope you can accept me again by the time summer rolls around.

2:30 AM...I'm gonna try to do right by you.

The Wizard and I

Yesterday I finished reading “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.” I consider “The Wizard of Oz” to be one of my favorite movies, even though my love for its magic was somewhat diminished after having learned about the political allegory behind it last year in AP American History. It’s okay, because I’m over it now. I actually think it’s kind of fascinating. I wore my “Wizard of Oz” shirt today in celebration. I’m also a ridiculously big fan of “Wicked.” And I will forever stand by my love for Judy Garland, so don’t challenge me.

Anyway, even though I’ve seen the movie dozens of times, reading the book made me focus on what each of the four main characters desired and which gift I would like to receive.

Dorothy – I love her. She’s like a shot of sunshine in a blue gingham dress. I wish I could be more like her, and I think the world would benefit from having more people with an optimistic attitude like hers. (Also as a side note, I still cannot believe Judy Garland was only 16 when she played Dorothy, but that’s not really important.) But anyway – go home? To Kansas? I guess I get it. There are times when you really just want to be safe and at home. It’s a comfort thing. But in all honesty, If I were Dorothy, I could probably have gotten used to the merry ol’ land of Oz. It sure sounds charming enough. She probably could have found a way to send Auntie Em and Uncle Henry a postcard every now and then. And I’m sure that there would be times that Dorothy would much rather be in Oz than gray, dusty Kansas. I mean really – in the beginning she was ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’-ing it and then once she was in Oz, all she could do was cry about how much she wanted to get back to Kansas. Perhaps Dorothy would be better suited for a career in travel, since it seems she’s never quite happy with her location.

The Scarecrow – Brains. Sometimes it really is better to be a fool. Ignorance truly is bliss. If you know everything about everything, you’re bound to be disappointed. I think sometimes being intelligence just makes one infinitely more cynical. When you over-think things, it just eats away at you and makes you upset and bitter. When you sit around and ‘what if?’, you drive yourself crazy. So I think maybe the Scarecrow would be better off without having the smartest brain.

The Cowardly Lion – Dare to be different, baby. Just because you’re the King of Beasts doesn’t mean you have to be the bravest creature that ever lived. I think cowards are just safer people. I’m not a huge risk taker, I’m not much of an adventurer, and I’m okay with that. But I respect people who are, and I just wish that they could respect us scaredy cats, too. Not everyone wants to jump out of an airplane, okay? But if you do – great. Have fun. Be safe. I’ll pray that your parachute opens. I’ll watch from the ground, thank you very much.

The Tinman – I guess that leaves a heart – both the most practical and impractical gift of all. You cannot live without a heart, nor, I believe, can you live without love. But, I suppose, a heart is not synonymous with love, no matter how much we believe it to be. And a heart can so easily be shattered into thousands of pieces by imaginary fault lines. But think about it – besides the obvious ‘you absolutely cannot live without a beating heart’ biological stuff, would you ever want to live without a heart? Think about how much you would miss out on. And what, then, could you say has been broken in a moment of sadness?

I think we have a clear winner.

"I shall take the heart," returned the Tin Woodman; "for brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world." -The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
(Favorite quote)

Welcome, 2010

Oh my gosh! Hey! Hiiiiiii. Happy New Year! Sorry we haven't talked in a while, and can I just say that I legitimately only remember writing parts of that last crazy 2:30 AM post? Yeah...I was really surprised last Sunday when I logged in and found a post. Scary.

So...I did two bad things since we last talked. I got a Twitter (I know, I know). And I am also helping to feed the YouTube vlog addictions of my friends. They're currently all locked in a battle. Whoever can get the most views/subscribers to their channel by the end of the year apparently wins magic powers. Or something tangible. I'm not competing because I feel like I wouldn't be good at it. I'm definitely more of a blog kind of girl. I don't think I'd do very well on camera. BUT guest starring on Chelsea's first video on New Years Eve was a blast.

Anyway, that's basically been life the past few days. I've spent a lot of time with friends - movies, games, WAY too much food. It's been a good winter break, and it is far too rapidly coming to a close. Normal sleeping/eating/living/behavioral patterns are not going to come easily. I'm really having a hard time accpeting the fact that I have to go back to my real life tomorrow. No more days chilling out watching 'Gilmore Girls' and 'Desperate Housewives'. No more evening jaunts to get coffee. No more parties. No more movies. No more board games. No more late night talks. It's disappointing. I forgot I have a life. Wahh.

ANYWAY. Now that the unpleasant topic is done, let's talk about something I love:

Bra Shopping.

I know, it's kind of weird. But I really do love it. I've had some really fun/interesting bra shopping experiences. And really - nothing beats buying a new bra and then wearing it. I really think it's the ultimate confidence booster. Nobody else has to know, but YOU know that you're wearing a new, pretty bra and you just feel good about yourself. It's a wonderful feeling.

Okay. I think I'm done for now. I'm going to go try to finish reading 'The Wizard of Oz.' Wish me luck with life tomorrow.