This is Weird

Sooo. I recently realized that I have this fear that people don't actually like me. It's weird. I've never really had that kind of insecurity before. I guess I used to not really care if people liked me or not. But I think I've finally realized how catty and awful high school is (I know. Really? I'm a junior in high school and I'm just now seeing how ugly it is? Don't worry - I'm super perplexed too). I've mostly been trying to figure out why people like me. If they like me, as they claim to. I feel like I have some friends that I'm really unsure why they like me. I don't really know if it's a self-esteem thing, or if I'm reading too much into everything and being too over-analytical, or if people are just as fake as I fear they are. (There might be some people out there reading this who are thinking it's in reference to them. Don't worry. It's not. I hope?) This is sounding entirely too emo and I hadn't planned on that happening. My original intention was to write something at least semi-amusing, but it's not really coming out that way. I'm going to keep trying. So I've been wondering why people put up with me. And if they put up with me simply because they feel obligated to put up with me, or if they genuinely like me and my weird quirks. Like my irrational fear of tomato seeds. And my penchant for screaming whenever my Pop-Tarts pop out of the toaster. Or the bizarre fact that I seem to kind of have a little bit of my own language and that I sometimes make weird and random noises. Or that I have too many Tweets/Facebook statuses. Or that I write nonsensical blog posts like this. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish through this post, but I've come too far just to delete it, so I guess I'm going to publish it... If you're reading this, I apologize. I don't like that this is one huge block of text, but Blogger is apparently deciding to be a little bitchy today and not let me start different paragraphs. Oh well. I'm going to stop talking now.

Yep, You Put Me Right Back in My Place

There are some days when I wake up and I don't really give a shit what anybody says about me.

These are few and far between. There used to be a time when I woke up like this every day. I used to have some semblance of something kind of like self-confidence.

Before I get too far off topic, let me finish that self-depricating tangent by saying, "today was one of those days."

Really. I was happy. I let loose. I had two cups of coffee, so I was giggly and outspoken and most like the me that I like. I was happy with what I was wearing. I was happy with my face. I was happy with my hair. Everything seemed to be working in my favor. My English teacher called me 'hilarious.' The world seemed to like me.

And then, as I was sitting with my mom, eating a bowl of Samoa ice cream (satisfying at the time), we began discussing prom.

Mom: So has any of the prom drama started yet?
Me: Not really.
(silence for a moment, as we watch 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban')
Me: I'm not really looking forward to it.
Mom: Prom drama? I don't think it'll affect you much.
Me: Any of it. I know I'm going to have a really hard time finding a dress...
Mom: Yeah. I mean, anything you find will probably require major alteration.
Me: Wow. Thanks, Mom.
Mom: I mean, like, in terms of length. I mean...even with heels...
Me: Uh-huh.
(more silence)
Me: I'm not going if I don't have a date. Just saying.
Mom: (laughs) WHERE are you going to get a prom date?
Me: Wh...
Mom: You don't even like any of the boys.
Me: Wow. Ouch. Okay. Goodnight, Mom.

Yeah.
I have been remissed.

Give Me Pain, If That's What's Real

So.
Today.

It was really awful to start. I don't know why. I was in a really tired, melancholy mood that I just couldn't snap out of for some reason. I was just super quiet (a rarity) and I was just exhausted and kind of disillusioned by everything.

After I left school, I had an orthodontist appointment. Let me just explain that going to the orthodontist makes me act like a hugely bitchy, hormonal teenager. It might have something to do with the fact that I've had my braces for almost five years (five! FIVE!) and that my original orthodontist has since passed away (I know, right?). Nothing makes me act more like a teenager than orthodontia. Anyway, since my orthodontist, who I loved, died, this new guy took over. I do not like him. I get weird vibes from him. And he's rather large, and he breathes really heavily, and his fingers are big and my mouth isn't all that big (sounds kind of dirty)(just saying) and it's just a really awkward experience every time he works on me. Like, why is the heel of your hand doing in my eye socket? I do not know, but please remove it.

So, anyway, I had to wait to be called back for 45 minutes, and the next 45 were spent battling two of my brackets because they wouldn't close or something and it really hurt and they had to try like three different things. Yes. I was in my sketchy orthodontist office for an hour and a half. Then I came home, gathered some things, and had to take off for voice, where both my teacher and I were in terrible moods and pouting.

Then I left voice and flew to the school to munchkin sit, because the middle school is doing "The Wizard of Oz" and I get NHS hours for munchkin sitting. Cool.

That's where the fun began.

All the middle school kids had entirely too much energy, and all us high school kids just did not. We munchkin sitters actually ended up putting together a 24-piece Winnie the Pooh puzzle and coloring more than the munchkins did. It was comical.

Then Chelsea and I went on a Starbucks run and were making weird gargling noises at each other in line when the guy in front of us turns around and says, "You guys are really scaring me."

It was hilarious.

Then we got back and had to reassemble the choir room and sit on some munchkins and middle schoolers (not really) while we discussed Chelsea's love life. We were all just really exhausted, but it was really fun, and we laughed a lot, and usually far too loudly (or, I did, at least).

"It looks like two green flamingos had vigorous sex in the hallway, because there are feathers all over the place."

(See what I mean?)

Suspended Reality

Hi. It's been awhile. I'm sorry. Also I should be sleeping right now (why do I feel like a lot of my blog posts open with that?) but I felt the need to reach out...into that black, dark hole of nothingness that I send my thoughts into.

Anyway, I've realized that I've been confusing my dreams with reality a lot lately. Which, honestly, is kind of depressing. It says that I dream about stuff that's mundane enough that I can easily get it mixed up with my reality. Like school. The other night, I had a dream that I went to do my Chemistry post-lab questions and there was only 1. I was really disappointed when I went to do them for real in study hall the next morning and there were 4 instead of just 1.

That same night, I dreamed that I read the wrong English essay for a homework assignment. It was the same title, but the completely wrong essay. I read the one that was 12 pages long, and we were supposed to read the one that was a page and a half long. I remember being really perplexed in my dream. Why were there two essays named the same thing? That's misleading.

Yeah, the following day was a little like "Groundhog Day," only not really.

But I also got to thinking...you know that state you fall into where you're not sleeping, but not NOT sleeping? Where everything is peaceful, and calm, and simple? The one where everything seems perfect, or at least until you start falling?

I like it there. And for all intents and purposes, I'm going to call it 'suspended reality.' I'm sure it has a technical dreamology-related term, but I prefer to think of it as suspended reality.

But doesn't it seem like everything is better in suspended reality? It's better than reality. It's better than dreaming, even, because sometimes, as I've come to realize, reality infiltrates your dreams. We use dreaming as an escape from reality, but what happens when reality takes over, especially when we don't particularly want it to? I mean, it's one thing if your reality is perfectly wonderful, and everything you want it to be. Then it's okay if you want to spend all your time there. It's understandable. But I feel like that's not really all that realistic. Or common. I'm starting to think suspended reality is our only escape from our reality, which we often can't control, and our dreams, which can't really be controlled either.

I can't control suspended reality, or anything, but it sure is quaint there.

I Am

...really tired.
...sick of drama.
...tired of dealing with everyone else's shit.
...feeling really confined.
...not looking forward to this week.
...really not very happy right now.
...sick of people being vague and not saying whatever the hell it is they need to say.
...tired of people getting pissed at me when I try to reach out.
...frustrated because people won't help themselves.
...really confused as to why people create all this drama for themselves.
...really upset because I'm afraid I'm starting to become one of those people.
...so close to giving up right now, it's not even funny.

Goodnight.

Is it Spring Yet?

I'm normally not a huge fan of spring. I always used to think spring was just kind of a poser. Summer wannabe. It honestly didn't do much for me.

And then last spring...something just clicked. Suddenly, I was totally in love with spring. I think it started with spring break. I remember the day that school let out, we were in Bee's backyard for the first time in so long, laughing and talking and taking a bunch of pictures. The weather was perfectly lovely, warm but overcast. It was almost like that day started a new beginning. From March to May last year, as stressful as life could be, it was, for some reason, okay.

There was a lot going on then. AP tests, and the general load of sophomore year schoolwork, a lot of my friends started becoming halves of couples...there was a lot of stress. But when I think back on it now, I think I would give anything to go back and relive it. I've been looking at pictures of last spring for a few days now, and we really had a lot of fun. There was May Fiesta, Crying Thunder, the Indians Game, our APAH 70s scrapbook, single ladies night, my friends' Disney band trip. There was a lot going on. I was definitely not numb to all the stress, but for some reason, we were all able to deal with it and have an awesome time.

I really think it was spring. I think at this point, in the dead of winter, if everything piled up like that, we wouldn't be able to cope. Winter is just a downer. I don't mind snow, usually, although right now I'm totally over it. I just want the birds to chirp and the sun to shine and the rain to fall and the flowers to bloom. I want to smell that fresh spring smell and just be free. I'm genuinely looking forward to it.

So...is it spring yet?

Defending my Music

Hi. We’re going to talk music today.

A few weeks ago I made a CD for a friend, and I wrote up a little explanation as to why I put certain songs on the CD. Since then, I’ve been thinking about why I like certain songs and artists.

So I thought it might be kind of fun to defend the stuff I love.

So basically, what I’m going to do here is go through my artists on my iPod and write up a little blurb-y thing about why I love them. And it’s way more fun that studying for a Chemistry test.
Really. It’s astounding what I’ll do to avoid chemistry.

Britney Spears – Her new stuff. I should probably consider putting some of her old stuff on here too, because it was a huge part of my childhood. I bought her CD Circus last year when I told myself I was going to start working out regularly. Ha. Haha. Am funny. Also, it’s not a bad CD. I’m not in love with it, but it’s kind of fun to listen to sometimes.

Erin McCarley – I don’t actually remember how I discovered her. But she’s cool. Her CD Love, Save the Empty, has really good songs on it. They’re super catchy and oddly relaxing. “Pony” is adorable.

Glee Cast – I’m going to be honest here. I love “Glee.” I love it. I feel judged when I talk about it with my close, close friends because they don’t like it, but I do have other close friends who adore it as much as I do. I’m just a huge Broadway nerd, and the performances are just so much fun, and I really just like the newish arrangements of the songs they do. I love it. So don’t judge.

Idina Menzel – Just another testament to how much of a Broadway nerd I am. Idina Menzel. Is. Amazing. I love her. I kind of want to grow up to be her. I wish I could turn back time to be able to see her in “Wicked.” I always regretted that I didn’t know about the show when she was in it. Her song “I Stand” is kind of like my theme song. I saw her in concert. It was fantastic. She was hilarious and incredible and…yeah. I love her.

Ingrid Michaelson – She writes songs about my life, basically. More accurately, she writes songs about everybody’s life. She’s just so normal, it’s refreshing. She’s adorable, and she writes songs with adorable lyrics. They’re just all so catchy. They stick in my head all the time and make really good Facebook statuses and Picnik edit quotes. Even her darker, deeper songs are quite catchy. Like “Be OK,” which actually has a rather depressing message, but it’s so upbeat and catchy that you can listen to it over and over again and be a little bit sad, but it’s not going to bring you down. Also they just used it on a Hallmark commercial and I’m really excited about it.

Kate Nash – I feel like she’s pretty cool, even though I only have one song of hers. She’s British, which scores her cool points, and the one song I have, “The Nicest Thing” is probably true of everyone at some point in their life. She comes up on Pandora a lot, and I like her cheeky British attitude.

Kristin Chenoweth – She’s so cute. I want to shrink her down to about 1/16 of her size and just carry her around with me all day on my shoulder. “Taylor, the Latte Boy” is honestly one of the most genius things ever. She’s just so adorable with her adorable voice, and adorable operaticness, and all-around adorableness that you can’t love her.

Lady Gaga – IS “A GODDESS”. She’s weird, I’ll give my mom that much, but most geniuses are weird. “Speechless” is amazing and I honestly cannot believe that a song like “No Floods” came out of her (especially after “Christmas Tree”…like what?). She’s so…current. And her cover of Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” is hilarious and wonderful.

Lenka – She’s basically a little shot of sunshine. Her music is just so calming and cute. I got “The Show” free on iTunes a long time ago, and then I just bought the whole CD because it’s just so cute. Once at newspaper late night, some of my friends were listening to my iPod and asked me if I could burn them her CD because it was so relaxing. Her music is just so bubblegum-y and happy that you can’t help but dance along to it.

Lou Bega – Edna always confuses Lady Gaga and Lou Bega. I find this strange. Stranger, though, is the fact that I still have Lou Bega on my iPod. Curious.

Miley Cyrus – I just saw this on my iPod and wanted to die. Then I remembered the hilariousness that is “Party in the USA” is a Miley Cyrus song. Shameful.

Panic at the Disco – Unlike my BFFLT, I prefer their new stuff to their old stuff. It’s not as intense. The newer Panic is almost Beatles-esque, and a little more endearing. It’s not so harsh. It’s a little more easily lovable. Don’t get me wrong, I liked them when they were Panic!, too, but I think I love Panic more.

Sara Bareilles – I WANT HER TO BE MY BIG SISTER. She is SO awesome. She seems really funny, and her voice is amazing, and her piano skills rock. She’s genuinely talented, and her lyrics are incredible. I once went on a hunt for her old CD “Careful Confessions” after hearing the song “Undertow” on Pandora (PS, check it out – it is excellent) and I wound up blowing an entire evening looking for the CD, WHICH I eventually found, ordered, and now adore every song on it. She has some old, indie versions of some of the stuff on “Little Voice,” but what’s really fascinating is the stuff that, I don’t know, wasn’t good enough for “Little Voice.” “Red” and “Inside Out” are completely amazing, mostly because I can relate my life directly to both of them. Yeah. She’s amazing.

U2 – Hey, why not?

Vanessa Carlton – I’ve loved her since her “A Thousand Miles” days, and her newest CD, “Heroes and Thieves” (which isn’t new at all anymore) is really cool. She’s just very odd and maybe she has a touch of darkness, but I appreciate that. Also, I have a special connection to “White Houses,” since that’s what started ‘epiphany’ and all.

This is just a small sampling of what I’ve got. I’m aware of the fact I’m a huge nerd. But try not to judge me too much.