One of THOSE Nights

Um...so I kind of just recovered from a major meltdown. Which, y'know, okay. Whatever. It's been over a year since I had one. But that doesn't make it any better.

I hate having meltdowns. I scare myself. At like 10 after 7 tonight I sat down on my bed and literally started hyperventilating. Then I just started to sob into my Snuggie. It was really ugly. I cried off every bit of my makeup and I freaked both of my parents and my dog out. It was awful.

I'm terrified. Completely terrified of everything. I'm terrified that it's junior year, and I'm terrified of my National Honor Society application. I'm terrified of Spanish IV. I'm terrified because I feel like I'm not doing as well as I should be in my classes. I'm terrified of going to college in the next few years. I'm terrified of money issues, of leaving everything behind, of being on my own. I'm terrified because I won't know how to live my life without these people. I'm terrified that I really was convinced that the solution was to start distancing myself from everyone, everything now because I thought it would be easier once the time actually comes for us all to go in separate directions. I'm terrified that I sometimes feel like no one wants me. I'm terrified that I sometimes feel like nobody needs me. I'm terrified because sometimes I'm not even certain that my friends like me. I'm terrified because I don't break down like this - I'm the glue, I fix everyone else's problems. I'm the one they go to when they need help. I'm terrifed that I have no one to talk to...that no one seems to care. I'm terrified of turning 17. I'm terrified because I'm starting to cry again.

I temporarily ran away. I've threatened to do that twice this year, but tonight I actually left and drove around for almost an hour. It was only temporary. Really. I got completely lost three times, but somehow always came out and discovered I'd made basically a complete circle all three times.

I am sufficiently freaked out right now, but I'm glad I wrote it all out. But I should probably sleep now.